Fucking feelings. I swear.
In my last post, “When It Comes To Love…I’m Just Along For The Ride,” I told you guys how Whiskey was getting dangerously close to winning my heart.
Things were going great until we saw each other three times in one week.
I started feeling pressured and told him as much. He tried to back off, but the damage was already done. I was already scared shitless and on the move.
So last week I broke up with him.
And tonight I’m meeting him to tell him I think I made a mistake.
This is me…at my most confused. I’ve been here before, but it’s usually only with men I love. Luckily he wasn’t too surprised when I broke things off, given that I told him the first night we met that I had other men in my life and I run from relationships.
I find myself wondering if I’ve started falling in love with Whiskey, and what I should do about it?
This is a problem, given I have an upcoming trip planned with Roberto, and have sex with Gray on a regular basis. And neither of those things are something I am willing to give up since I’m in love with both Roberto and Gray.
So I guess I’ll just tell Whiskey that and see what he has to say. If the man has any sense at all, he’ll tell me I’m way too out there for him and run as fast as he can in the other direction.
Gray came over yesterday and we had fantastic sex, per usual. But immediately after I slid off his cock, I started crying and said, “I hope I didn’t make a mistake by breaking up with Whiskey.”
Gray was a bit thrown but seemed to want to be as supportive as possible. “It’s a little weird that you’re saying that right after we just…” He trailed off and motioned his hands towards our naked bodies, entwined together in the sheets.
I saw his point and immediately felt badly. “Well, I mean, you don’t want a relationship, so there’s nothing I can do about you. What I don’t want to do is keep sending great guys packing, and wake up alone one day, kicking myself for letting all the good ones go.”
Gray nodded a little and propped up on his elbow as he warmly said, “Let’s talk about it. What are the reasons you broke it off with him?”
As we lay there talking, like the good friends we are, completely naked and comfortable, I found myself wishing he could give his heart to me, but at the same time I knew it would probably never happen. I think Gray is too hardened, used up and uninterested in love to ever love me the way I need…the way Roberto does.
And if you’re wondering why I’m not just with Roberto, well, he’s still married and it’s been more than a decade since we started up our relationship.
So the glaringly obvious conclusion is that I fall in love with unavailable men. That’s my pattern. But the older I get, the more I think that’s not a pattern I want to see in my future.
I haven’t been sure I want a relationship, and in fact I run from them like the plague for the most part. But as Gray pointed out, it’s probably because most men move too fast and it scares the hell out of me. He has a point. Him and Roberto certainly didn’t move too fast. In fact, they were just what I needed. Probably because they were UNAVAILABLE!!
The question I have at this point is – How do I let an available guy in, and do I really want to?
This is Whiskey’s first shot of Lola, and it remains to be seen if he’s drunk enough to handle it! ; )