I’ve been wondering if Gray and I would ever be at odds with one another. You know that stage in a relationship that you just can’t imagine fighting with someone? Like ever? I’ve been in that stage with Gray since day one. I just couldn’t imagine what we would ever fight about, and how we would fight. Would he fight dirty? Would he verbally attack me? Would he minimize my feelings? Would he lose his temper? Would I become emotionally overwrought? Would I be eerily calm and logical? Would I make dramatic sweeping statements? Where would the weaknesses be, and how would they emerge? I just haven’t been able to imagine it happening.
We are a week away from the one year anniversary of the day we first met, and ironically we are having our first run at the conflict hurdle.
It’s been a little over a week since I saw him, and it was during that last time together that I realized our long-awaited moment of sexual intercourse was a foregone conclusion.
We sat facing one another, seated side by side at the bar enjoying a couple of celebratory holiday cocktails. His legs were spread wide open towards me, and our knees were comfortably touching. As we happily bantered I realized how passionately I wanted him to be inside me. I placed both of my hands on his thighs and leaned forward with a whisper. “I really want you right now.”
Gray looked at me with a devilish grin and said, “What do you want?”
“To fuck you.” I said without reservation.
“Do you think it will ever happen?” He quizzed me almost half-questioning.
“Yes, I do.” I volleyed back quickly.
Unfortunately this all happened about the time he had to go pick up his daughter, so the timing was not good. He walked me to my car and gave me a few quick kisses and hugs as we tried to stay warm without our coats.
Before he trotted off to his car he asked one final provocative question. “If we only had 10 minutes, what would be the sure-fire position for you to have an orgasm?”
I thought for a second about all the wonderful ways I would want him and quickly landed on one. “You on top.”
He nodded and said with a determined look, “Okay then.” And with that, we parted ways for our respective Christmas vacations.
Our communication during the break was positively atrocious. The location in which I was spending my vacation had next to nil regarding cell service so I had asked him to contact me via Facebook messenger. I’m not sure exactly why this task was so difficult for him, since I know he has it on his phone. Perhaps he simply didn’t want to communicate that way for some reason, I honestly don’t know.
What I do know is that it ended up being a very frustrating back and forth disaster of him texting me and me replying through messenger only to be ignored for the most part. I could tell that he had read the messages, but he wasn’t replying for whatever reason. I would throw my hands in the air in frustration and distract myself with friends and family. Then the next day, I would get a random text from him. This cycle repeated for more than a week, in spite of me pinning him down through messenger asking, “Is there a reason we can’t communicate here? The signal where I am is horrible.” Only to have that question go unanswered even though he had seen it. Then sure enough, in true cyclical fashion he texted me the next day, asking how I was doing. It was downright weird and frustrating to say the least.
So I was wondering all week what the hell the issue was, but still missed him and wanted to see him upon my return. I asked him what his schedule was like for the weekend and we discussed the possibility of getting together after he went to dinner Saturday night. Around 6 he texted me and said “Looks like I’m staying in tonight. Tomorrow?” I sent him a sultry pouty lip picture and said yes if he promised to give it to me really slow. I added a “ha ha” to be sure it was casual/flirty enough.
He didn’t reply. I suppose that was the coup de grace for me, but I gave it several hours until I finally texted him in the wee morning hours saying this:
“I have felt somewhat ignored by you over the past couple of months and whatever is going on lately regarding our texting communication just isn’t working for me. I can roll with pretty much, but there have been quite a few times you don’t reply to me. We’ve always seemed to be able to be open and honest with one another so i thought I’d let you know that it bothers me. Feels kinda like I’m being dissed.”
His response was timely and good. He simply asked if I could meet that day, and I told him I would let him know later. All seemed to be back on track. We would meet and talk and everything would be back to normal. I felt a huge sense of relief.
About an hour later I was scrolling through Facebook and saw that he had tagged Florida in his Facebook status and I kinda flipped my shit. Why? For starters, I’ve been Facebook friends with him for a year now and I’ve never seen him tag her in anything, not one post, one picture, one status, or even a comment. What’s more, is that he has been complaining about her so much over the past several months, how he doesn’t want her living with him, how controlling and jealous she is, etc. So seeing him tag her in a cute puppy dog post definitely threw me for a loop.
So after mulling it over, and deciding I am way too emotionally invested in a man who is still fairly unavailable to me I sent him another text.
“Seems like you’re in a different place now…not like before. And that’s cool. Seems like things are good with Florida now, and if that’s the case I’m happy for you. It would probably be wise for me to step back and let you work that out.”
About an hour later he tried to call me and I didn’t answer. Not to sound dramatic or anything, but I was sort of reeling that the whole situation was taking me so hard by surprise. I was thinking, how the fuck didn’t I see this coming, and why am I so upset? I was trying to get a grip on my emotions and I wasn’t ready to talk to him about it until I was much more objective.
About two hours later he sent me this text. “That’s your call. There’s a lot behind the scenes. Whats your definition of step back?”
I told him I understand there’s a lot behind the scenes and that I would like to discuss it with him at some point but needed a minute. We agreed to meet for a bit this coming Wednesday.
He seems to be freaking out a little, as is evidenced by some of his additional texts, which I COMPLETELY understand. God knows if our roles were reversed and he was telling me he needed some space I’d be a hot mess!
So in the next couple of days I need to have something figured out with regard to how I want to proceed. Or at least be able to construct a few sentences together when I sit across from him that gives him an idea of where my head is. Most of me wants to fuck him on Wednesday like we planned before Christmas break, and the other part of me says don’t get further involved with him, as it will only bring heartache.