Lunch with Gray yesterday yielded the newfound information that he’s been married twice before and swears up and down that he will never get married again. What’s more, (as if that’s not reason enough to think he’s committment phobic) is he has a long-time lover who lives on the other side of the United States. They get together about once a month but do not have an exclusive relationship.
Sound familiar??? It sure does to me. My own long-time lover Roberto lives 15 hours away, and also happens to be married. For several years, we have gotten together once every couple of months and enjoyed a romantic getaway. Since he is married, he has had no claims on me, so I have continued to date others. However, in January I did make the decision (for the umpteenth time) to back away from that relationship and try to forge a more healthy romantic scenario for myself. So far I have been doing well in that, but after talking with Gray yesterday it seems like I had the perfect thing going with Roberto. In fact, I wrote a post in October about how maybe what I need is a long distance, no-strings-attached relationship with a married man. Why? Safety, first and foremost. I also like my space, I’m pretty much content being on my own….blah blah blah.
The list for why I don’t want a relationship is much longer than any reasons I might be able to come up with for wanting one.
Streams of men come into my life and just as quickly get washed away by my lack of interest in a long-term relationship. Yes, there have been exceptions. There have been a couple of unions that I tried to assess as far as marriage material goes, but I think those men came at times in my life when I was needing some sort of redemption, wanting to prove to myself that I was able to be committed and work on a relationship. What’s more is that I think if they had really agreed to a serious committment, it would have quickly seemed less appealing.
After Gray poured out his heart and soul with all the honesty he could muster, he looked at me with those gorgeous sparkling hazel eyes and half-asked, “So now that you know me, you don’t want to hang out with me anymore?” The questioning look in his eyes showed me he has a pretty good feel for who I am as a woman. He must realize there’s a little bit of devil in these angel eyes, or he wouldn’t have attached the question mark. So naturally his honesty had the opposite effect of scaring me off, and I now feel totally comfortable, and even almost kissed him in the elevator. It’s like there is a force of nature pulling me towards him.
And Drew? The guy I thought I could see myself with long-term? I’ve basically lost all interest and focused my attention towards Gray. It’s not necessarily that I’m pursuing Gray in a romantic way, we are simply able to talk freely and be “real” with one another. Maybe that’s due to the fact that he laid it all on the line and I did the same. I guess you could say I feel close to him after our talk. I feel emotionally bonded to him given the fact that I understand something about where he is in his life.
Last night as I drifted off to sleep, pondering our lunch conversation, I realized something important. If he’s never committed to his long-time long distance lover, he won’t do it for me either. I have no romantic notions that I will be able to win him, woo him or captivate him. I just know that I like him, I’m attracted to him and think I really “get” him. And it’s somehow comforting to think he might get me too.
Ps. Drew is calling as I sign off. His ears must be burnin’