About a month ago I got a message from a hottie on my online dating site. We traded a few short messages and found out we share the same last name. And it’s not that common of a last name, so it’s kind of cool that we share it.
But from the get go, I had Lars pegged as shallow. I know, I know, don’t judge a book by its cover, and all that jazz. But it’s kind of hard not to when you see a guy as gorgeous as him pop up. His perfectly sculpted body which stands at 6’3″, curly light brown perfectly groomed hair, trendy clothing and pearly white teeth just scream superficial. Plus, most of his photos had a woman cropped out of them, and I think that’s just plain tacky. His only redeeming qualities (besides sharing my last name) were that he had a great career and a master’s degree.
Anyway, I decided I really couldn’t be bothered with Lars unless he did something to impress me, and basically for all intents and purposes I ignored him, only sporadically replying to his messages. I figured he would go away like most of the others I show limited or no interest in.
Then one day about two weeks ago he sent me a note asking me if I’d like to trade phone numbers and subsequently offered his. I didn’t reply for a few days, and when I did, I simply thanked him for the number and said I had him in my phone so I could text him sometime. Sadly, this was a bald-faced lie, as I did not put him in my phone and had absolutely no intention of texting him. Shame on me, I know. I’m a bad girl!
But a few days ago I checked my email and had a message from Lars that said: “I sure wish you’d text me sometime.”
Okay, that’s kinda cute, I guess. So I wrote him back and said “yeah, I guess I’m just not looking for a texting buddy.” His reply got me thinking. “Yah, I hear ya, but us has to start somewhere.”
Good point, I thought kind of surprised at the obviousness of his message. So later that night I did in fact text Lars. What happened from there was all downhill.
Our communication was less exciting than watching paint dry. It was a total and utter fail. If you don’t believe me, just watch the train wreck happen in front of your eyes.
I tried rather valiantly to get the ball rolling by asking a few questions about his prior relationships and his luck with online dating. He answered each question easily, but asked no questions in return. His track record with dating sounded pretty good, I thought, with a couple of long-term relationships over the past few years. However, I was almost instantly bored with his poor conversation skills and decided there was no way in hell I was going to carry the dialogue, so I went silent. About twenty minutes later, after I had almost forgotten we had been chatting, he tried to revive our lifeless texting with the following:
Lars: Hard to get women get me every time. ; )
Lola: (amused and somewhat intrigued since that’s a quality I share) Lol. I hear you. It’s not something I try to do.
Lars: I bet. It just happens naturally. ; )
Lola: (obviously) It does.
Lars: It’s your lack of texting that will get a guy thinking you’re hard to get.
Lola: (aha! this will let him know he’s botching things up by being a horrible conversationalist and get me off the hook as far as carrying the conversation) Well I was asking a bunch of questions, but I’m not really into interrogation.
Lars: So I got you to open up. : )
Silence ensues as I sit there thinking, uh, no, I got YOU to open up dipshit. I don’t know what the hell this guy thinks he’s doing, but he is certainly not in my head and he seems like a total idiot. He obviously doesn’t speak womenese.
Lars: I think it’s cool we share the same last name, is that weird?
Lola: (okay, I guess he’s trying to find some common ground, I’ll throw him a bone) Me too. It makes me feel connected to you.
Lars: (running with it) I think I’m getting you excited about me already : )
(he quickly followed it up with another text), Joking
Lola: (racking my brain for a reply) Good one.
Lars: I know. I want to get you thinking though, is it working?
Lola: (again at a loss for what to say…is this guy really this clueless about women?) Well I’m not sure what there is to think about at this point?
Lars: You’re tough.
Lola: I’m going out for dinner now, even though it’s raining. (another bald-faced lie, as I sat on my couch watching episodes of MI-5)
No response. Good. I thought. He realizes that is a total sack off text and won’t be bothering me anymore.
Later that night, like about 2 hours later I received the following text from Lars: “I wonder if it’s bad of me to be texting you while you’re eating?” 🙂
LORD. A frickin’ passive text??? NO! I cannot be bothered with this kind of man. I didn’t reply.
But Lars still wasn’t done. Earlier today my phone rang and I picked it up only to see it was Lars calling. $%@!# I thought, making no move to answer. I guess he wasn’t lying when he said he likes hard to get women. I suppose I’ll have to let him know that for him I’m not hard to get….but impossible to get!
Sorry Lars, but I gave you a chance (against my better judgment), and it just didn’t work out. Sad too, since if we would have gotten married I wouldn’t have had to change my last name!