I’ve written a lot over the years about Tristan. Some of you may be keenly aware of the Tristan/Lola saga, and some may have no clue about it.
Tristan was the main reason I created this blog in the first place (in order to process my feelings in a healthy way and gain insight from others’), Today I created a category called “Tristan/Lola.” Now anyone wondering who the fuck he is, or what the hell he “did to me,” you can gain SOME insight by perusing the posts in that category. However, it is far from a comprehensive overview of our “relationship,” which was basically filled with deceit and sex. And tears. Lots of tears.
Never in my life have I struggled to forgive someone like I have with Tristan. I think I now know why they say “Time heals all wounds.” It’s because time fades the memories, until one day you simply forget.
I long for that day. For that is the day I will be free. In the meantime, I express my feelings in a letter to the man I struggle to forgive AND forget.
It seems appropriate to write you this letter as 2013 nears its end. As far as I’m concerned, it’s ‘sayonara 2013, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.’ I’m looking forward to a new year, and a clean slate.
If I thought you cared about my life, I’d give you a nickel and dime overview, but I really don’t think you do, so I’ll save my energy for the rest of this letter.
Whenever I think of you (which sadly, is still every day), the full myriad of emotions of the human psyche run their roller coaster course if I allow myself to think of you for very long. The positive memories, which are filled with laughter, playfulness and good sex, hurt to think about just as much (if not more) as the feelings of anger, confusion, betrayal and deceit.
I’m still working on actually forgiving you, and I never knew forgiveness could be so hard. In fact, I’ve always considered myself a pro at forgiveness. But the fact that I still cannot bring myself to attend our church simply because of you is a sure sign that I am still extremely hurt and yeah, I’m holding a grudge. I guess I can join the ranks with another of your former love interests.
That’s part of why I am writing you this letter, to try to get the negative feelings out of my system so I can forgive you for real. I can’t bear to become one of those dreadful women who is forever bitter at her ex. That would be such a shame, and a waste of a sweet and otherwise happy woman! So I write to you, in hopes it will somehow help.
You even haunt my dreams. It seems like you are in most all of them, lurking in the shadows of my subconscious, trying to come out and wreak havoc by saying or doing something damaging. Somehow my mind is strong enough to keep you banished in the darkness and you rarely come out to mar my sweet, light dreams.
I am still so angry at you Tristan, but I know the anger comes from one thing, and one thing only: pain.
And I’m doing a pretty good job of simply sitting with that pain, not jumping into any more serious relationships without being fully ready to take on another set of deep emotions. It may be a long time before I allow myself to completely trust another man, but probably even more than trusting another, I am finding that I have to learn to trust myself again – MY judgment, MY spontaneity, MY openness and MY que sera sera attitude. As we both well know, the last time I trusted those things, I got myself a world of hurt.
So the playful, spontaneous, coquettish girl you decided to embark on a relationship with at the Fall Festival in 2009 is still there, buried deep inside, but sadly has now been mostly replaced with a tentative, leery, distrusting woman, who naturally assumes every man I meet will use me then lose me. Let’s hope it’s a temporary condition, since I really liked that girl.
In the meantime, I’ll keep trying to find that spot in my heart that will allow me to simply forgive AND forget. Because in the case of US, I don’t see how I can forgive if I can’t forget.
As you know, I have a great memory, and that is the biggest hurdle in the race towards forgiveness. At this point, amnesia never sounded so good.