Breaking up / Dating / Grief/loss / Love / Narcissism / Tristan/Lola

The Aftermath of Dating a Psychopath

It’s been 7 months today since Tristan and I broke up. I am healing, but the process is slow. And to be honest, there are plenty of days that I do it all wrong. But I am hell-bent on “getting over him.”

The past few months have been kind of interesting as I reflect on all that has transpired. Looking back on how incredibly sad I was in the days that followed our break-up, I realize that it definitely IS possible to put one foot in front of the other in the face of extreme heartache and keep plugging away.  And in spite of the ongoing pain I still feel as a result of our  break-up, moments of happiness have found me again. Most of those moments have been with my long-time love, Roberto. ❤

Since the fateful and assuredly awful ending with Tristan, I truly seem to have become a different person.  Dating  now feels like a grind, and something I can’t appear to get back into at all. As far as my communication with Tristan, it has been slim to none for the past several months, which has given me space to grieve and reflect more objectively than I ever have.

I still spend quite a bit of time thinking about him and all of the highs we shared together, I often cry when I flash back, and I am not sure that is something that will ever change. But I am getting better at simply stopping myself from allowing my mind to stay there for long. The trick is to permit myself a few tears to grieve for a love that I invested myself fully in, and the loss of the man I had so much hope for.  And then I just force myself to think of something happier. I seem to have more resolve to by and large “shake it off” and think of something else. Generally speaking, when I’m finding myself thinking of Tristan, I simply replace those thoughts with the good thoughts of Roberto, a man I truly know loves me and has my best interest at heart.

It usually works pretty well, although there are some times when I simply cannot switch gears that quickly. Those are the times I write in my journal or blog, and yes, sometimes I even write to Tristan.

Breaking up is hard to do…anyone who has ever been in love knows that. And breaking up with someone who can think of no real reason why he’s breaking up with you makes it even harder. Everyone wants answers in cases of a heart-wrenching break-up. It was no different for me. The difference is that Tristan and I broke up every few weeks for a period of 3 years. And each time, there was no reason which made sense.  I got no clarity, no closure. I even wrote a post expressing how there is no real closure with a narcissist. 

But lately I believe I’ve finally started asking the right questions with regard to Tristan. One in particular, anyway, which has led me to a whole new world of answers for his behavior during our relationship.  That question is “Why does he say things to intentionally cause me pain?” The answer I found was eye-opening, and it consists totally of emotional manipulation, and the reasons for it are to increase power and control over you. These types of people are literally called psychopaths.

I read somewhere that healing from a break-up with a mentally ill person is way different from that of a normal break-up. The victims in these cases need validation in the aftermath of  having their self-esteem all but destroyed through cruel and methodical emotional manipulation, and will find it in other stories, research, books, forums and organizations designed to focus on pathological love relationships. The validation I needed was  in stories of those who have been through what I have.

So although I am still not completely healed, I’m definitely making progress. One day at a time, right? For now I am content to be still and wait for another special relationship to blossom. Maybe with JC or Max….or maybe Roberto will finally make himself completely available.

One thing is certain, I need to take things slowly….and make sure the next time I fall in love, it is with a man who will choose to love me back.

Lola

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6 thoughts on “The Aftermath of Dating a Psychopath

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