Many of you know that my on/off relationship with Tristan, which lasted nearly four years was very painful, VERY dramatic, very up and down, and I stayed in the ring with him well past bloody and beaten. I stuck with him for many reasons. Love, (first and foremost), loyalty, compassion, and a strong desire to help him wrestle his demons to the ground, just to name a few. Our sexual connection was also an addiction for me. It was a very complicated relationship, with many layers of issues. For at least 3 years, I thought the main problem was the fact that he had not dealt properly with the death of his wife. I still believe that may be a factor, but not the overriding reason he could not move forward with me.
When he was being honest, things were idyllic. I couldn’t have asked for a better man in my life. The problem was that those moments were very few and far between, and most times were completely retracted a day or two later, when he realized he had opened up his soul to me, and felt an urgent need to withdraw behind his well-built facade.
I recently decided to do some real research on narcissism. only to find it was the perfect diagnosis for Tristan. The feeling of relief and almost euphoria I felt as a result of my research was epic. Instant healing occurred in my mind. I felt intense sadness for him, but as for myself? The best word to describe my feeling would be “FREE.”
Years of unanswered questions were answered as I read article after article on this personality disorder. And that is what it is, a personality disorder. Some of the causes, from what I have read, are years of abuse, misuse, grief/loss. As a result, they are unable to open themselves to love. It sounds like a very depressing, small cell to be imprisoned in, and my heart truly goes out to those who suffer from this disorder (including Tristan).
But in true “Lola fashion” I just couldn’t abandon Tristan once I had this new information on narcissism, and I tried once more to get him to go to therapy. I researched two counselors that I felt might be a good match if we went together to get some counseling. He considered it for about 24 hours and then said no. I was not surprised. From what I have read, it’s almost impossible to get a narcissist to counseling, and most go only as a last resort to save their reputation. I endured more emotional battering in the process of re-engaging with him, but I had braced myself for it. I thought I was ready for the punches and low blows, and the overall gaslighting. But his nastiness still got to me, pissed me off, made me cry and the next day I realized it had started me back in the unhealthy pattern of blaming myself for the break-down of our relationship.
The main thing I have been wanting since this newfound information came into my life is closure. So I typed into google: “How to get closure from narcissist boyfriend.” I found the most helpful article, which anyone dealing with a narcissist should read: http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/there-is-no-closure-with-narcissists/
I printed the portion of the article that spells out what my only closure will likely be, (“your true closure is this”), and have it on my refrigerator, along with the poem”The Song of the Male Narcissist.” They are both there to help me heal, to serve as a reminder to maintain good boundaries, love myself, and stop hating Tristan. I absolutely DO have the power to make all of those things happen, and I will!