Dating / Dating a widower / Love / Tristan/Lola

GOW (girlfriend of widower *or* war)

*Warning* The following content contains strong stereotypes against widowers.

*Disclaimer* This stereotype is a direct result of my personal experience, and the experiences I have read from others. If you are interested in reading some of those stories, I would recommend the following blogs, one from the perspective of a widower, and one from a woman who married a widower.

Okay. Now that you know what you’re in for, I shall begin my rant.

I haven’t been writing, basically because I wanted to give Tristan and I a chance to get something figured out these past several weeks. It should also be noted that I have not been seeing Liam for the past month either. Since Tristan has access to the blog, I never know when he might decide to read my posts, and I didn’t want to upset the apple cart by writing something that would send him racing off like a bird-dog further into the woods.

But today, I don’t care.

Anyone out there who thinks they can handle a widower, please think again.  Yes, it’s a generalization, and quite possibly a rather unfair stereotype, as I’m sure there are some widowers who don’t date until they are actually ready to be in a relationship. But how the hell do you know if they are ready?

If you are dating a widower and experiencing some red flags, RUN!!! Or at the very least, tread softly and guard your heart with a wall more sturdy than the Berlin Wall.  Don’t let your guard down, not even for a minute. Not even when he tells you he loves you. In fact, when he tells you he loves you, that is when you should reinforce the wall with more bricks. For *that* is the moment of truth for him, the moment he will turn and run from you so fast it will make your head spin. Or at least that’s what happened to me.

No, the widower card doesn’t give them a pass to be difficult, to be an asshole, to be more commitment phobic than the rest of the men in the world, but it almost positively ensures they will be all of those things, in spades. At least, if they haven’t dealt with their grief in a healthy way.

Date him if you must, but don’t fall in love with him. Don’t.

I am now in the predicament (and have been for a couple of years now) of not being able to move forward with other men because I love Tristan. The other night, Liam asked me if we could take our relationship to the next level. In other words, he asked if I would be his girlfriend. My response was that I am trying to figure out my love-life, to which he said, “You’ve been there for a while now, haven’t you.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement of fact for which I had no response.

Yes, I’ve been here for quite a while now. That would be a vast understatement.  And I don’t know how to break free.  Tristan and I have a counseling session set up this week to work on some communication exercises. Sigh. If only it were that simple. My friend Cruise had this to say about my personal style of communication. “You communicate very well, communication doesn’t seem like a problem area for you.” *Nail on head*- The problems are SO much bigger than communication.

I am even questioning the point of attending the session, given that Tristan so “lovingly” reminded me last night: “We’re not dating, we are friends.” Dammit. That hurt like a mother.

Do I even want to be his friend? Have we ever been friends? These are the questions running through my mind, and my first thought is to run away from all of this (like I have so many times before, usually into the arms of another man).

But all that running has gotten me nowhere, so I guess that means I should do the opposite. Be still. Don’t make any sudden moves/rash decisions. And go to the fucking counseling session since that is something we haven’t tried before.

They say that all is fair in love and war. But I just wish love wouldn’t feel like a battlefield.



2 thoughts on “GOW (girlfriend of widower *or* war)

  1. I think I would nail him down about whether you’re attending counseling sessions as friends or as people who are dating; otherwise, I think you’re just setting yourself up for more hurt.

    In fact, it almost seems like a microcosm of an issue you’ve had for 3 years: you are fighting for the relationship, and he is telling you you don’t have one. :-/

    • Oh, i think it’s been pretty obvious for a few weeks that it would be as friends, not as someone dating. That’s not been a question in my mind. All I know is he talks out of both sides of his mouth. *And i do know that.* He has said many times that we have a relationship, so don’t let him off the hook there. His whole thing has been that we are at different points of the roller coaster at different times. He’s currently in “off” mode. I stay in the “on” mode, but date others when he pushes me hard enough.

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