The fragile house of straw that I’ve been living in for the past 6 months just got knocked down with a brick.
Some of you know the history between Tristan and I, and for those of who don’t, welcome to the Tristan/Lola saga. We broke up (again) 6 months ago, not that it was technically a break-up, since we were not in an actual relationship to begin with. But anyway, we didn’t see each other for 4 months after that, and we haven’t been intimate since the split.
But it has been hard to shake the memories of our lovemaking. Our sexual connection was beyond incredible. The only time the world ever melted away for me was when I was in bed with him.
Maybe some of you can identify with such a connection, and know how impossible it is to forget, to not crave it almost on a daily basis.So for the past couple of weeks now, I’ve been kicking around the idea of trying to make a friends with benefits situation work out with Tristan. I shared the idea with Jezebel, who thinks it’s a really bad one, and since I don’t want to ruin my life any further, I decided it would be wise to take her points into consideration. I was still thinking about it last night when Cruise and I started chatting online.
What followed was one of the most intense conversations I’ve ever had in my life. After that conversation, I’m reminded that it seems my stupid past is never going to be out of my life, and it really pisses me off.
You may already know from reading this blog that I was sexually abused. Severely, by multiple males, for many years. My whole childhood, and even well into adulthood, in fact. I have always prided myself on the fact that I have been strong and able to put that behind me. I never considered myself “haunted.” I hate being a cliché. I hate it more than anything in this world. I feel that I should be unique and better than others who have similar circumstances, that I should rise above it all and be a shining example. And I guess for the most part, I don’t do too bad in that regard. I’m a pretty tough cookie. But after last night, Cruise has me confronting what I have been trying to ignore; that I have deep issues as a result of my messed up childhood.
Today I’m kinda convinced that I’ll never have a healthy romantic relationship again. Not that I’ve ever actually had one.
I guess he poked a bear last night, although quite unintentionally. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he’s so interested and fascinated with me, but we got into some territory that I’ve basically put away….territory that is a wasteland of all my biggest burdens. Territory I really hate to visit.
It pretty much started eating me from the inside out, and I got really upset with myself…with my past haunting me when I swore I’d never let it. But mostly I was upset with all the sexual abuse that I endured as a kid, and the men who put me through it. The men who have brought this hell on me…and above all, I’m mad at myself for not handling this better. I guess I really am that cliché, that woman haunted by her past, single and in her 30’s… frozen and completely unable to move forward in relationships.
I got to thinking that maybe I’m similar to Tristan in that regard, that maybe we really are two broken souls who at the very least can comfort one another when we need it most.
So I texted him and told him I needed to see him. We are planning to get together tonight.
When he told me last night that he would come, I felt like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. But I got no sleep, and I’m still in pretty bad shape. I know seeing him will make it all better. If that’s wrong in anyone else’s eyes, so be it. Sometimes it’s just about finding a way to survive.
I don’t want to talk to him about my problems, I’m not going to cry on his shoulder. I just want him to get into bed with me so we can love the world away.