I have undergone a major change in my thinking over the past 24 hours. You might even call it an epiphany of sorts. (Oh, I do so love epiphanies).
I’m not sure what the exact reason for the mind alteration is, but I do know that it all began last night when I was chatting online with a guy I know. He knows about my current love life with Liam, and the train wreck that was Tristan. He has been kicking around the idea that we should meet up for some kind of a vacation, and I must say, the idea does appeal to me in many ways.
So last night when he mentioned the thought of taking a cruise together, here is what I had to say: “I’m inclined to say I’d meet you, as the Brit and I haven’t had “the exclusive talk” yet, although I assume since we have been sleeping together, we are somewhat exclusive. What should concern you more is my general state of mind with regard to where my heart is….”
He seemed intrigued by my proclamation and asked me to say more.
The following sentence flew from my fingers onto the laptop screen in front of me without even thinking, it seems. And when I read what I had written, it was enough to stop me in my tracks and start my mind whirling.
“I’m sleeping with one man, in love with another, and trying to rendezvous with yet another.”
What the fuck?! I’m sorry, but does that seem messed up to anyone but me? I need to get myself together, and figure out what the hell I’m doing here, or I’ll never be in a healthy love relationship again.
So what I have decided to do is simply this:
1. Fall totally out of love with Tristan.
2. Spend more time nurturing my relationship with Liam.
3. Stop dating others while I’m sleeping with Liam.
And that’s it. It is done, this is my new plan. I simply have to pull myself together. I have had enough of my messed up emotions. I think taking men one at a time will undoubtedly be less confusing for everyone. It seems so obvious now, but then again I suppose that is how most epiphanies are. Ralph Waldo Emerson said it so well when he said…
“People only see what they are prepared to see.”
I am prepared to see that I have a wonderful man in front of me, and he is the one who deserves my focus and attention until it is proven otherwise. And if/when it is proven otherwise, I will take that cruise… if it’s still available.