My friend Carlos once told me that I was so lucky to have found love twice in my life. He said it was like hitting the cosmic lottery to find love even once in a lifetime, much less twice. I thought that sounded about right, for I too believed it was quite fortunate and rare, and after Tristan and I split up once and for all, I fully expected my reign with love to be over forever. And as I wrote on November 4th, in a post called The Truth Is…, I was ready to call it quits and say I had a good run.
But almost as soon as I made that sweeping decision, out of thin air, and totally unexpectedly, Marco appeared. All the stars seemed to align, the clouds parted and the only thing that remained was a ‘sexy as hell’ hottie who made me absolutely weak in the knees.
I know I could fall in love with this one. I just know it. The more time I spend with him, the more amazing I think he is. He has all the qualities that sum up my biggest weakness in a man. Sexy, sweet, generous, funny, manly, charming, chivalrous, successful, smart, loyal, handsome, family oriented, and most importantly – HE IS SOULFUL.
A macho guy with soul is my Achilles heel for real. All it takes is one look at him and I practically melt. And that scares the hell out of me.
I want to fall in love with him, I do. I want to be with him every chance I get. I want to bake him a beautiful and delicious cake that says “My heart belongs to you forever.” I want to listen to all his troubles, celebrate his happiness, support him in all the ways a good woman does, I want to hold his hand, rub his back, and I want to snuggle with him in bed all night long, and well…you get the idea. I’m enamored with him.
This is very unheard of for me. Of all the men I’ve ever dated (let’s call it an even 50), I’ve only fallen in love with two. That is 4%. So yeah. I think those numbers prove it’s hard to find love…at least they prove it’s hard for me to find. Of course I didn’t really need to crunch the numbers to come up with this grand conclusion, I know full well how many excellent candidates have pursued me over the years only to find that I am a hard nut to crack. What is it they say – Wild hearts can’t be broken? I’m a wild heart, and I’m most attracted to men of the same ilk. This proves to be a problem for obvious reasons.
Now I would love to celebrate this moment and revel in the mere fact that I have found another man I could love – but instead I feel dread. Like our relationship is over before it has even begun.
As I mentioned in a previous post, the reason I feel such doom is because he lost his wife to cancer about 6 months ago, and I have learned that grieving a loss like that is a full-time job. Add to that the fact that he owns multiple businesses, has kids (one still living with him), and he just bought a new house and is in the process of moving, he doesn’t have a lot of time to give little ‘ol Lola.
Sound familiar? It does to me. See also the last three years with Tristan. He had only a little room for me, and I made him my whole world.
Over the past several weeks, I have seen myself becoming increasingly dire about Marco, I have been the one initiating contact, even though he was the one who asked for my phone number and then insisted I take his. Most of the time he has replied instantly and we have seen each other almost immediately after I contact him, but one day he didn’t reply to an invitation to a party. Ever. To me this is a sign of sudden death, so I did the only thing I could to save any chance I might have with him.
I deleted his number.
But not before I texted it to Jezebel for safekeeping and told her I was doing so in case I ever decided I wanted it again.
Whew. I thought as I hastily deleted the message to Jez. I’m free again. The ball is back in his court, where it should be, given our circumstances. MY chances for love are up to 6%, but only time will tell if Marco will fulfill my equation. Those aren’t great odds, so I’m not too optimistic. But whatever happens, I’m glad to know that I’m not closed off to the possibility of loving someone new.