I’ve never become irrelevant before, at least not to someone I care about. So I didn’t know how much it would hurt. I had no idea the words: “You have to give our prior relationship a rest. Let it go.” from one of the only two men I’ve ever loved would wreak so much havoc in my life.
This is not going to be one of those posts where my words scream maturity or wisdom, and I doubt very seriously you will glean anything of importance from it. It’s a post that Jezebel suggested I write so I don’t get myself arrested.
We’ve all heard the phrase: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
Maybe some of you men have experienced this fury from women, and maybe some of you women have become ‘that woman.’ For the first time in my life, and I really hope to God the last, this is happening to me.
Why else would I have been up half the night plotting my revenge against Tristan? More importantly, why do I even WANT revenge against Tristan? Because he has made me feel like yesterday’s trash sitting by the curb. Like a fly on the wall of his grand existence. Like the last person he could possibly be bothered with. The reason that hurts so much is because he spent the last 3 years acting as though there MIGHT be a chance for us ONE day. About 2 months ago, he likened our relationship to that of a roller coaster, saying we were both not at the same place at the same time. He said, “people commit at different rates in relationships.” At the time it didn’t sound like bullshit, but as I read the words I have just written, it clearly is.
But that was two months ago, before I stopped fighting for him. Today he has flipped the switch to ‘off’ and apparently expects that I should also flip it off. Unfortunately, women are not like that. At least, no woman I know who really cares about someone.
No, I don’t want to be with him. Yes, I have residual feelings and emotional damage from our relationship. I can’t just BLOT THE MOTHER FUCKER OUT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WOULD LOVE TO!!!!!!
Ok. That made me feel slightly better.
Thank goodness for Jezebel who took the time to talk me off the ledge this morning. As I said, I was up half the night plotting my revenge. I went so far as to research the best revenge ideas. I was looking for something to annoy him without being too cruel. He almost made me this mad about a year ago, and I fantasized about revenge then as well. Back then the plan my twisted mind concocted was to let myself into his house and remove a different button from each of his dress shirts. One from a sleeve here, a collar there, from the middle..and well, you get the idea. I was going to keep the buttons in a jar at my house to delight myself in.
Yes, it’s crazy. Women scorned get crazy. Haven’t you ever seen Waiting to Exhale? I highly recommend watching this scene. It always makes me feel more normal.
So let’s get back to my revenge plotting. Last night during my research, I landed on two plans. The one I was going to enact today was the ceremonious egging of his Porsche at a public event. Not cruel, would likely just be considered a prank by some kids, but would be a bit discomforting and disgusting (especially by strategically egging the door handle.) Plus, he loves that car, it’s probably the only thing he does actually care about. The second one was much more hilarious, but I would have to wait until Spring to carry it out, and that was to throw a bunch of carrot seeds in his front yard. Apparently they look like weeds as they are growing, but are not affected by weed killers, so he would have to pull each carrot springing up from his front yard by hand.
This morning I proclaimed to Jezebel that “operation button removal” was commencing. I braced myself for the typical and sage advice that “revenge is just a cry for his attention, and he’s not worth it.” I know this. I didn’t care. My only goal was to create some discomfort in his life.
I have never wished suffering on anyone, but now I have. Even for my cheating ex-husband, I had no thoughts of revenge. I just had a ceremonial ‘burning of his letters and flushing the ashes down a toilet séance’ and I felt better.
But Tristan got to me more. I really laid it all on the line with him, only to have him make me feel totally irrelevant after all his back and forth. And I started feeling all like, “nobody puts Baby in a corner.” I’ve calmed way down now, and I have decided not to enact revenge on him, because it’s true, he’s not worth it. But if I’m ever down his way in the spring-time and I happen to have a packet of carrot seeds in my glove-compartment…Well, I can’t be responsible for what might happen then. I think I’ll pick up a package, just in case.