Over the past 3 years that I have spent chasing a man who wanted me one day and didn’t the next, I was hell-bent to not look like I was pining. Women like me do not want to be viewed as weak and helpless. I am not the type to sit around sulking when a man doesn’t want me, but I take matters into my own hands and generate interest from other men to fill the void. I have been known to schedule up to 4 dates in one day. At the time I didn’t realize it, but that’s how many men it took to fill the void left by Tristan. I guess the only reason it worked was because I was left too exhausted and mentally drained to think about him when my whole day overflowed with attention from other men.
But the more I analyze that pattern, the more I realize it was a feeble attempt to mask the pain, and I need to accept that I was hurting like hell from his rejection and made some bad decisions as a result of my heartache.
I more than doubled my number of lifetime sexual partners in the past 3 years. Let me break it down even further by saying: I fucked more men in the 3 years that I was in love with him than I did in the last fifteen. It’s a pretty pathetic moment when you realize you have slept with more men while IN LOVE with someone than not.
The truth is, I was dating so heavily that it’s a wonder the numbers aren’t much higher. I was running from my pain, in denial that my relationship with Tristan wouldn’t one day work out, and now, finally I’m able to face the truth head-on. We are over. I’m not going to lift another finger for that man, and I certainly do not expect that he ever will for me either.
So I’m in clean-up mode from this hurricane, and the mess is substantial.
I know that many of our blog followers have been pulling for me to leave Tristan in the dust for more than a year now, and have been quite frustrated watching me “beat my head against a brick wall.” So to you I say; Thanks for letting me get to this point on my own. I had to exhaust all my efforts to know that I did everything in my power to fight for a man I love. And I would do it again, without thinking. That’s what I do when I love someone, I fight for them.
Jezebel and I were texting last night about some of my admirers and why I can’t be bothered with giving most of them the time of day. I told her it all seems so hopeless, and I’m quite disillusioned by the thought of ever finding love again, but that it doesn’t matter, because I’ve already found it twice in my life and have no desire to find it again.
Jez: I’m worried about you.
Lola: Don’t be, this is better than me chasing after Tristan.
Jez: Sorta. At least you’re not beating your head against a wall. But it’s like you still have the crushed skull to heal from.
Well folks, as Matt Damon says as he plops down the psychologist’s chair in the movie Good Will Hunting, “I’m pumped, let the healing begin!”
Ironically, since I have stopped fighting for a man who says he doesn’t love me, I have also stopped fighting the battle within. The battle to run into another mans arms to feel wanted, and to escape the harsh rejection from the only man I truly wanted.
It looks like I’m finally being honest with myself about what I need to do. I’m home alone now, and it will take a spectacular man to change that.