“You’re adorable when you’re being vulnerable.”
That’s what Dustin said to me last night. As opposed to last week when I sat across from him over a martini, and listened to him tell me that I seem somewhat masculine in my demeanor, that I’m decisive, strong and know what I want, and that he meant it as a compliment.
“You can be somewhat intimidating, he said. So it’s a good thing I’m such a strong and secure guy.”
I grew up fast, and I did learn at a very early age how to be tough and independent. The circumstances I found myself in as a youngster were such that I felt I could not rely on anyone for emotional support.
But I’m certainly not going to dwell on my past here tonight, because two things I hate with a passion are the thought of being perceived of as either weak or a cliché.
But I do get sick of being strong. Who doesn’t? I’ve written about this before in my post Strong Vs. Tough; Stripping it all away. I would like a soft place to land now and then. I don’t need it all the time, or even very often, but sometimes I just become overwhelmed with emotion and need/want to be loved and held by a man who loves me back.
The problem is to get to that point with a man, you really do have to become vulnerable. There’s really no other way to get there. For women like me that takes an immeasurable amount of trust. The fact that I have ever gotten to that point with more than one man is really quite a feat. I have thick walls but a very soft inner core. That’s why I have to make damn sure before I let a guy in that he truly cares.
Over breakfast with Jezebel today, we discussed how much it takes for me to fall in love with a man. She said she almost has the opposite problem, that she falls in love too easily. That was interesting to me, because I just expect all women to think like me in the love department, I imagine that women are just leery of men in general, but of course that makes no sense. It only makes sense for me given my past.
Hell, I married a guy knowing I was not in love with him. Who does that? WTF? I walked down the aisle as he sang a beautiful song he wrote just for me and thought, I am making a big mistake. I married him because I felt I would never truly be able to open myself up to a man, but since he and I were compatible, and seemed to be a great fit; that was as good as it was going to get. I literally had no clue that I could really fall in love with a man, ever.
But I did. Twice, in fact. Roberto and Tristan navigated almost expertly beyond my walls to penetrate deep inside my soul. They have both managed to uncover parts of me that I never knew existed. Those of you who know what that feels like, know that there is no greater feeling in this world. To be vulnerable with someone you trust and love is comforting and safe. Being 100% yourself and not worrying about the repercussions, expressing your innermost demons to another person, knowing they aren’t going to run away screaming….that is love at its very core. And I know those kinds of connections don’t come along often in life. So who can blame me for wanting to hang on to them?
I think deep down, we’re all just looking for a soft place to land. But so many times we’re too busy trying like hell NOT TO FALL, that it keeps us from ever finding that resting place….that safe haven that feels like home.