Push my heart so I can fly again

Some of the men I date have access to this blog, which of course at times makes me leery to write about them. Some men are threatened by reading less than favorable things that I might have to say about them, and some men simply don’t like competition.  But I started this damn blog so I could find a way to cope with SOME MEN, so I have decided that I cannot be bothered with what they think. After all, it’s a f**king anonymous blog!

And if you don’t want competition, then man up or find a woman who is less enticing (who won’t have as many clamoring fans).

Okay. End of public service announcement.

About 2 months ago, Tristan and I got back into bed together. It was not something I saw coming, believe me.  As a result of the intimate encounters and various other things over the past several weeks, I got sucked back into our “relationship.”

 I know. I know. I know. Save your breath. I KNOW!!! I am living it, people.

As I wrote several days ago, Dustin, a guy I dated last Fall has also resurfaced.  He knows about my feelings for Tristan, and it does not seem to be deterring him much. I LOVE men who are NOT intimidated and can handle the fact that I do not come out of a box “ready to love.”  If a man is patient and persistent, it is highly likely that he will win my heart.  So far, Dustin has been just that. We met last October, at which point I told him I was dating several other people and I wanted to keep it that way.  We dated and had sex for a couple of months,  until I abruptly bailed the night I realized that he was getting too close.  We had something too similar to a relationship and I wasn’t ready for that, not by a long shot.  

So off I ran into the woods…re-joining Tristan, also on the run.

The thing is, I really do like Dustin. He is such an amazing guy. Sometimes I think he’s almost too good to be true, actually.  People tell me to date him, have fun with him, have sex with him etc. I’ve done that before. There are certain men who at times in my life have served that purpose and been completely happy to do so. Dustin is not the friends with benefits type for me. I think he likes me too much.  He dropped the “L word” once, which I really think removes the FWB option.  Plus, I’m not really sure it would be much of a benefit given how messed up I am emotionally.  How can you really be  FWB when you are completely in love with someone else?  I think it just messes everyone up.

I would like to move forward with my life because loving someone who cannot love you back really sucks.  I do not have to be in a relationship to be happy. In fact I think I’m probably happier when I’m not in one. But since there are men in this world crazy enough to pursue me romantically, it does make it difficult to stay single.

But I have to take it slowly. This is something I’m VERY bad at. I hate the word slow. I love the word fast. One thing for certain though, regardless of tempo, I like things to be defined. Whatever it is, that’s fine, but please define what you want from me.

Friends? Lovers? Friends with benefits?

What I can’t stand is being one of the above one day and being another the next. I like to know exactly where I stand, and I’m going to expect the same is true for Dustin. So Dustin, honey, if you are reading this: I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to be your friend with benefits. I don’t know if I want to be your lover. But I do know that I want to date you and see what happens next.  And if I wake up tomorrow scared out of my mind about this decision, I promise to tell you that, so the parameters can be be readjusted if necessary.  I am going to let you help me figure it out, because I am really sick of messing it all up on my own.

Give me hopes and dreams to fill my head. 

Push my heart so I can fly again.


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