Breaking up / Dating

Lola: When All Else Fails (Revisit Plan A)

Anyone who has ever endured heartbreak knows just how bad it is.  Jezebel told me that she read once that it takes half the time of your relationship to actually heal enough to move on.

Since my horrific breakup with Tristan (over a year ago), I have read my share of self-help books and tried my damnedest to lick this thing. After all, I’m an independent woman who takes charge of my fate. I knew it was up to me to figure out how to move forward. And I have tried. Oh, how I have tried. Believe me when I tell you: I KNOW the best thing for me is to “get over him.” Everyone who gets their heart broken by love KNOWS this. It’s not rocket science. But HOW to actually do that is where the problem lies.

Jezebel gave me a book about a month ago titled: It’s Called A Break-Up Because It’s Broken.  This was a very sweet gesture, and I am grateful that she cared enough to send it. At first I was excited to have such a book. I thought maybe I would find some key ingredient I had been missing, imperative to my healing. I got it in the mail, ripped into it and immediately sat down and began reading. (even though I had a plane to catch in 2 hours to see Elle, and I should have been packing). Approximately 4 pages in, I began to feel like shit. My post-break-up months were littered with things that this book said NOT to do. I thought to myself, this book would have been helpful for me 6 months ago, when I still could have been saved from myself, but I’ve already made too many mistakes. I began to feel hopeless about my circumstances and stopped reading.

On the plane, I managed to pull it together enough to read a bit further and found a section called: The Four commandments. As I read, I realized even more that this book was not going to be able to help me.

1. Don’t see him or talk to him for 60 days. Yes. I did this. I know how crucial detox is for moving forward, and I implemented this one two months after our break-up. What else you got?

2. Get yourself a break up buddy. Someone you can talk to about your break-up and your emotions surrounding it.  Yes. Check. Did that with Elle for months.  She hung in there with me like a champ.

3. Get rid of his stuff and the things that remind you of him every day. Check. Did this 2 months after the break-up, which was difficult, especially that coffee grinder (I used that all the time!) and the gifts from other countries he gave me. But I did it, because I didn’t want to be reminded of him.

However the last one was a good reminder to me, and it’s really just good advice for anyone.

4. Get your ass in motion every day.  This section underscores how important being active is to keep you from dwelling on your pathetic life and having too much time on your hands. That really makes sense to me. I figure at least if I’m going to dwell on it, I can do it whilst walking, jogging, kickboxing, etc. The book assures readers: You don’t have to be a Marine, pick something that isn’t grueling and tiresome after one day.

But what I finally determined by reading this book was that it covers the big picture, and I am not simply living in the big picture. The above “commandments” are not enough. I need detailed plans that will change my circumstances so I can change my destiny.

Here is how my post-break-up with Tristan went.

After a 2 month “mourning period” which consisted largely of wine and chocolate binges night after night, crying my eyes out, being unable to sleep, making all the typical mistakes (namely calling him when I was drunk),  I decided something needed to change. Below are the two plans I attempted to enact.

Plan A. FLEE. I interviewed for jobs in other states (far, far away).  Unfortunately, I lost my momentum when I realized the area I was interviewing in was not a good fit for my lifestyle.  I looked in a couple other places, sent out my resumé a few more times, but since the place I had in mind wasn’t going to work, my plan seemed a bit shot to hell. Onward to plan B.

Plan B. DATE. I went on a dating frenzy. I threw myself into the online dating world with gusto, met some very cool guys and had a lot of great sex. Unfortunately the problem remains that I’m still in love with someone else, and until a guy who is equal or better to him comes along, I’m not going to be able to stick with a relationship.  I lost interest in all the guys pursuing me and just sort of faded out of the dating world.

And that’s all I’ve got in my arsenal of plans. I think they are really the only two things that will work for me, so now I’ve decided to recycle them until one of them takes. Today I’m dusting off the resumé and starting fresh, with a new destination in mind.

I firmly believe when the world around you isn’t working, it’s time to find a new world.

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