Dating

Lola: Love at 60%

Last night thanks to a texting conversation with a good friend, I underwent an epiphany of gargantuan proportions about why I am virtually standing still as several great guys circle around me, wondering why I will not move forward with them in a romantic relationship. They seemingly have the things I would want in a man and I am sure they would be willing to work hard to make a relationship with me work, yet I keep them all at arm’s length. Why?

I’m sure you have heard the phrase, “it’s not you, it’s me.” In fact, many people will tell you when you hear that from someone, it’s a line of bull. I myself even started to wonder about the veracity of that statement when I heard it from Tristan. But I believe there are times when that really is the truth. How can I be so sure? Because in my case, the real reason I do not move forward with any one of the great guys in my world is because it’s not them, it’s me.  I don’t give them a real chance because of MY ISSUES.

Enter safety nets: Roberto and Tristan.

Roberto once shared with me a key ingredient in negotiating. He said this: You have to be willing to walk away from the deal. If you are not, do not negotiate. So it has been with me and dating.  I have not been willing to walk away from Roberto or Tristan completely in order to give another guy a real chance. So in effect, all I am really getting is what I already have, and both me and the guys I’m dating are losing at the table every time.

Why am I unable to give up my safety nets? I have come up with multiple reasons for this:  I’m somewhat satisfied with the life I already have, I still hold out hope either man might give me more, but I think the bottom line is that I’m just plain scared.

Scared of what? Letting go of what I know. Opening up to something new. Getting hurt, again.

I have determined that what I have had with Roberto for the past 8 years is about 60% satisfying. I receive emotional support from him (when he is available) and physical intimacy when I fly to meet him. In addition, we are good friends who really care and are involved with one another’s daily life. That has worked for me for many years. It has kept me a little over half satisfied with my love life. It has been enough to keep me going. But is it enough? Obviously not, or I would not even be dating at this point. If I was fully satisfied, I would look no further. So every once in a while, I realize this and I dip my toe back into the dating pool, and eventually get to a point where I balk.

And this is how the cycle goes. I finally broke that cycle when I encountered Tristan. I went into our very first date with a new mindset, one that was completely open to whatever might happen. And I got to a point where I just said to hell with it, I’m going to fall in love with this man because it feels so damn good. It didn’t happen overnight, although in my opinion it was rather quick, especially for me. But the only reason it happened is because I allowed it to. I made a conscious choice to open up my heart and I decided that it was worth the risk of losing what I had with Roberto. What I was getting from Tristan was more than 60%, so logically, it was a no-brainer.  But emotionally, it takes much more to go down that road.  I am sure if I allowed myself to be open to it, any number of these men in my life could also give me more than 60%. But I have to be ready to accept it, and risk my heart again for a higher percentage.

At this point, I would say I am only allowing myself to receive about 10% from the men I am dating. So upon realizing all of this last night, off I went to the home of one of the men interested in me. By doing that, I opened myself up a little more to the possibility of moving forward.

Life is a gift that I am squandering by not claiming more. And I only have myself to blame. One day at a time, I will make steps to try to learn to accept more than just 60% from love. 


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3 thoughts on “Lola: Love at 60%

  1. Dearest Lola,…the hardest part about moving on is…moving on! Past relationships (or suedo-relationships) that we hold on to are like drugs to us. We keep them around because they temporarily give us what we want at the time and fill our needs. But they also hold us back. Unfortunately, what you must do is let go of your safety nets (a.k.a. drugs, a.k.a. Roberto/Tristan). That’s gonna suck because there are inevitably going to be nights when you want and possibly need one of these men in your life to make you feel better. But so long as you keep them in your mind as possibilities (fall back options), you will never fully commit to anyone else. You are one of those people who want to play in the water, but don’t want to get splashed! 🙂 You are content to float on your Roberto raft in the deep end and have boys swim up to you to talk, but are not willing to dive in yourself. Go get wet!! Yes…it may ruin your good-hair day…but it can be fun too! 🙂

    Love, Douglas

  2. That is really great advice, and I’m so pleased you took the time to weigh in. You are very thoughtful and sweet. And of course, you are right! I’m trying to do just that, identifying the problem was the first step to recovery!! Wonder why I just now am figuring this out? Oh well, I can’t worry about that. Onward and forward. Thanks again! Lola

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