I had a date last night. I am still trying to recover from it.
Please welcome to the blog: Doctor Bong (Since this dude had a thing for Marvel comic books, I researched some characters and found the perfect pseudonym.) Marvel’s Doctor Bong is not a real doctor or even a doctor who just has a doctorate degree, but more of a mental patient who should be seeing a doctor. He has no super powers, but has a good knowledge of genetics). Lola’s Dr. Bong is a good-looking, physically fit, divorced professional man in his 50’s, and up until last night he had proven himself a good enough conversationalist for me to spend an evening with.
About 30 minutes into the date I realized I felt no sparks. No connection of any kind and even though I was trying my damnedest to conjure up some naughty thoughts about him to spice up the night, I was having no luck. At this point I figured he had a very steep hill to climb to get me interested, but was still open to the possibility he might turn the beat around. I decided to stop thinking about whether I was attracted to him or not and just enjoy the evening.
About 10 minutes later he started opening up about his dating life. I learned that he had spent three years on match.com and had gotten nowhere, so a year ago had decided to abandon ship never to return. During his three-year stint in the trenches, he went on twenty-three first dates. Yes. Twenty-three. That is more first dates than I have been on in my entire life. He is rather bitter about the money he spent on nice dinners and bottles of wine only to wind up still single, and he also mentioned: getting laid by nary a one.
At this point in the evening I was really tuning out, starting to think of other things like had I left my curling iron on, how could I get rid of him faster than originally anticipated and how much more wine would I have to consume to be able to tolerate this dreadful monologue of dating disasters. But then I realized if I did it in the right way, I may have an opportunity to help enlighten this poor bastard on what he might be doing wrong with women. So in my sweet and sacrificial style, I switched from sex-starved woman in my sexual peak to psychological helpful Lola.
I woke up enough to ask him what he thought the reason was for no second dates with any of the women he had dated. Without even thinking, he answered with this: “Women are too quick to judge. Most of these women told me that they could tell within 20 minutes of the date whether or not they would be interested in me.” Okay, hold please for my inner-most thoughts at this moment. “Holy crap, he is describing me! I am that woman, am I too hard on guys? Maybe I am not giving them a real chance? I mean yes, it is true that I can tell within minutes whether or not there is any real connection there, but I think I would be willing to give it more time just to be sure I was right, at least a second or third date unless the guy is a total fail. Man, how bad would a guy have to turn me off to not go out on a second date? Oh wait…I am on the date from hell as we speak, and this guy will not be getting a second date with me. The answer to my question is Doctor Bong is the problem, not us women. We just can’t get away from him fast enough!”
So I wake up from my trance and say: Have you ever considered that maybe there is a reason women do not like you? He sat there in stunned silence, with the quintessential deer in the headlights look. I felt the need to soften the blow a bit, so I said, I mean maybe you are just misunderstood. That snapped him back into it and he jumped on that bandwagon wholeheartedly.
Bong: Yes, I am sure I am misunderstood because women are not really giving me a chance. And do you know what the problem is with women in today’s society?
Lola: No, tell me.
Bong: The problem is the tv show Real Housewives of whatever the hell it’s called. It is teaching women how to be superficial players. He raged on. And cougars! Women in their 40’s and 50’s just want hot young guys with washboard abs they can dominate.
Lola: Is that really what you think the problem is?
Bong: Yes. And I just cannot give women washboard abs, I am a man in my 50’s and I simply do not have the time or energy to put forth to make that happen, therefore I guess I will be single for the rest of my life.
Silence ensues. This guy just doesn’t get women. I give up. Had he been worthy, or even a bit less hostile, I might have let him in on the secret of what it is that women really want.
Women want to be loved. They want to know that they are the center of a man’s world and that nothing will change that love.
Washboard abs be damned.