Well guys, this is it. Lola has had it. I am fed up with this ridiculous problem of men who cannot pull it together to be what us fantastic women need and deserve. I hope this post will illustrate for you the gravity of the situation I feel some men are perpetuating, and give you tips on what to do to fix your “issues.” Let me first say that I would suggest therapy, and I am not a licensed therapist, nor can I refer you to one. This is what I have to say based on experience and the school of hard knocks.
If you refuse to seek therapy based on the fact that “this is just how men are”, or some other lame excuse, such as “when I find the right woman, I will be ready to move forward”, then you have come to the right place.
Welcome to Lola’s Self-Help Guide For The Relationship-Challenged Man.
I refuse to be resigned to the fact that women are superior and men cannot be helped. Women are not superior to men. In the area of communication, we tend to be better equipped to deal, yes. But I will not go down without a fight. I will not accept that this is the fate of men and women. I say that men simply must become better in this area, or we are all screwed.
Thanks to my friend, Carlos for giving me the added incentive and insight to finally write about this. He said something very wise that I have only recently discovered for myself: “Most men have little or no tolerance for emotional discomfort.”
If you are a man with this problem and you do not wish to change that about yourself for whatever reason, please turn around and leave this page now. What I am about to say will undoubtedly cause emotional discomfort to you, and if you are not up for it, I will understand. To you I say; you are beyond help at this particular time. When and if you are ready to be the strong man that a wonderful woman deserves, please come back and learn how to better yourself.
Chapter one begins by illustrating a basic problem between men and women which I have recently encountered for the first time in my life.
A man recently spent months of energy and wooing power towards “making” me fall in love with him. Once love was achieved, things started going south in a real hurry. This was when he started freaking out and spent the next several months dragging me through psychological warfare only to finally tell me that what we have does not work for him anymore. Why? I still do not know the answer to that, and I question if he does either.
My friend Carlos has this to say: “Men will expend all kinds of energy to get into a relationship with a woman they’re crazy about, and then when the relationship actually happens the energy begins to fade, at the very same time that the woman’s energy and enthusiasm is ramping up. At some point down the road the man looks at the woman, who’s all excited and starry-eyed about their future, and thinks to himself: Man, how do I get the hell out of this? The reason men clam up, go silent, become uncommunicative, is because they literally don’t have a coherent thing to say. Because they themselves don’t understand where their enthusiasm went. Where did the man’s enthusiasm go? It’s a mystery. He can’t explain it. He does not know.”
Lola says this: If this sounds like you, or if you have found yourself in such a predicament, do not panic and start putting up emotional walls, please, I beg of you: resist going into your cave for an extended period of time. A mature and understanding woman will allow you some time to retreat, but she deserves a time-frame, she deserves an answer. Do not shut down and back away from her, and do not tell her you want to start seeing other people. I can tell you from experience that this will only make the situation worse; now not only are you confused, but you have confused (and hurt) her as well. Now she is trying to troubleshoot the problem not only for her sake, but more than likely in an effort to help you.
HERE IS WHAT I SUGGEST: Tell her your feelings are causing confusion and you would like to try to work through it with her. You will come back in x amount of days and have an honest discussion with her about your feelings. Yes, this is non-negotiable. You have to suck it up and have an actual conversation about what the problem is. After all, you are the f-ing problem!
Once the time period is set, take the interim to attempt to gain some clarity.
The most helpful thing I have found to do is this: Make a list of pros/cons about the woman/relationship. Decide for yourself if the good outweighs the bad. Sometimes the cons about someone are things you cannot hack, even if that list is shorter than the pros. So it is important to evaluate each item’s weight. After making your list, leave it for a day or two. Think about it and make sure it is accurate. You may need to change it several times. Here are some examples to help:
Sweet (helpful, kind)
Plays hard, works hard
Cruder than I prefer
Finally, decide for yourself what your list says. If the good outweighs the bad then suck it up and work out your relationship. Yes. Do whatever it takes. I suggest spending more time with her, not less. Pulling away is the coward’s way out. Neither you nor your relationship will grow if it is not being nurtured. Spending time with her will help you realize if your connection is solid. If you feel less connected to her the more time you spend together, then by all means, tell her it is over and have the balls to walk away for good.
Please be mature enough to realize that it is not being able to live without her. It is about being able to live with her. I am sure you have heard the line; “you don’t marry the person you can live with, you marry the one you can’t live without.” and I have subscribed to the theory over the years myself. However, the older and more mature I have become, the more I realize that there is really no one I cannot live without.
If you want a relationship, or what’s more: marriage, then it’s up to you to make it work. You cannot expect her to make you feel enthused and excited all of the time. You cannot bow down to your every feeling, or lack thereof. If I ran away from a man every time he made a crude comment or turned me off in one of his many disgusting ways, I would be very disappointed in myself.
We are all flawed individuals who just want to connect with others. If the woman you are in a relationship with is a quality woman, if she is a good woman, if she sacrifices more often than not for your well-being and happiness….but you just don’t “feel that you can’t live without her”, then I ask you to consider staying. Running away and shutting down is for men who are not ready for a relationship. If that is the case, fine. Own it. Do not tell women you want a relationship when you know good and well you are not ready.
If you wish to change and you really want a relationship to work, then try the opposite of what your instincts are screaming….and stay. Let her prove to you that in spite of all of your flaws, she just might let you.