Dating a widower / Grief/loss / Tristan/Lola

Lola on knowing when to fold em’

I am passionate, empathetic, patient, loving and determined. Those qualities would normally be wonderful qualities in a woman, qualities that would make any man very happy.

Unfortunately, those qualities have been my worst curse over the past 2 years.

I know my worth. I know I am a wonderful woman and a damn good catch for any man. I give my all to a man I deem worthy, holding nothing back.  When a man wins my heart, he can expect me to try my best to please him without sacrificing who I am in the process.  I like win-win situations and I like to think I strive for compromise in the cases when sacrifice is not the best solution for whatever reason.

But in my most recent relationship, I met my match. I took on the grief monster and lost.  Now mind you, I had no idea what I was getting into when I first launched like a rocket ship head-long into our relationship.  I asked him straight up what he was looking for, told him my situation, took him at face value and we were off to the races.

I knew very early on that he was going to be special to me, and as much as I tried to pull back the reins, I just could not seem to control myself.  He just made me feel so damn good, I tell ya.

By the time I realized there was trouble in paradise, it was too late.  I was already too far gone.  I was in love with him by the time I started to realize the gravity of the situation surrounding his grief for the loss of his wife.  Now in my defense, the guy is a professional bullshitter and the king of denial, so what he was telling me was simply not true most of the time.  I do not believe it was his intention to lie or hurt me. I do question whether he has the coping skills needed to accept reality, since he does seem to avoid it as much as possible. This is unfortunate for him first and foremost, secondly, me, and finally, countless other women.

So this brings me back to why my amazing qualities have been a curse.  This guy is clearly not ready to accept his loss and move forward. This is understandable, albeit unhealthy.  So what I attempted to do upon slowly realizing what was happening was to try to help him to see what I was seeing in the hopes that he would simply become more emotionally healthy.  I did this in a variety of ways, mainly by unconditional love, patience and not accepting his bullshit.

The problem with that is that HE IS NOT READY TO MOVE FORWARD!!!! It does not matter what kind of amazing characteristics I might possess, or how much knowledge I drum up on the subject of grief and loss. Until he is ready, ain’t nobody gonna push him forward.

This has been a recent revelation due to the fact that my determination to help others is off the charts, especially with someone I love deeply. That in conjunction with my extremely high level of patience and desire for my own happiness has kept me fighting against all hope to win this man’s love and help him to move forward towards sublime happiness.

What I have now realized, FINALLY is that I am fighting a losing battle.  I subscribe to the theory that if you never give up you will never fail, and giving up on anything, much less a man I love so much has been unacceptable.

Until now.

I cannot fight this battle for him, as much as I would love to take his burden and carry it the rest of the way, I cannot. This is his lone journey, to do with what he will.  I love him, yes. But I will have to love him in silence from this day forward.

I fought like hell for this one, and I lost.  I did not fail him or myself, I just had to learn that sometimes there is nothing I can do, and know when to walk away.  Not a fun lesson, and extremely hard to accept for a fighter like me. But a reality nonetheless.

So in the wise words of the Kenny Rogers song, “The Gambler”

“You gotta know when to hold em’, know when to fold em’, know when to walk away, know when to run. You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table there’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.” 

The cards are on the table, let the chips fall where they may. Mr. Widower and his demons will have to battle this one out. But I’m going to place my bet on him and hope he comes out on top. After all, if he wins, the prize is me. What could be a better prize than that?


One thought on “Lola on knowing when to fold em’

  1. I’ve had one tenet in my relationships “fall hard but walk away fast”. When a relationship no longer feels right due to any number of reasons, I have found it best to simply dissolve it in as kind and considerate a way as possible. No one’s to blame, no repercussions, no guilt, no regrets. When that happens typically both parties realize it’s not working or that the relationship does not lead to shared outcomes. This has led to many fulfilling relationships all of whom are still friends today (except for my ex, but even she has become more civil the past few years.) Love can be fleeting. I’ve come to realize that the premise that there is but one person out there for you is foolish. Enjoy the relationship, fall madly in love if that’s what you feel but don’t let the ending be so devastating that you lose faith in love itself. Falling in love is good but so is the hurt of eventual separation. It teaches us to cope with life’s calamities and feel confident that there are always alternatives, often nicer then what we’ve been use to.

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